Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

*Steve Carell washes hands*

*Steve Purell*

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

Cake!!

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”