Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

Cool shirt 🙂

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

who will stop them

Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

[watching #diving]

ME: Huge splash! Nice!

ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.

ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.