Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
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wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
this has done me in for some reason
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon