Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake

Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.

It’s science.

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear

[later]

tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!

me: holy shit it’s him

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

😂

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
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😏😏😏😏😏
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