Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call

–companies

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

I toured a defense contractor executive’s home

[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.

me: thanks!

server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

[inventor of the mirror]

“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food