Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
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The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
When someone says you are so lazy
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings