Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
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At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
*puts words between two asterisks*
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?