Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.

But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”

Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

they see me scrollin

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

Breaking news:

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

My love language is hissing.