Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
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[ordering cous cous] just the one cous for me thanks
The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar.
“I got that when I fell off the toilet,” I whisper.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I’d go to the hospital because that sounds serious.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!