Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
You Might Also Like
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Trying
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.