@IamEveryDayPpl

Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”

Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”

Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”

Me: *fakes a seizure*

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@rockymomax

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

@jonnysun

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

@girlnarly

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

@Dadsbustednuts

I caught my employee sleeping on my office couch today. I didn’t know if I should fire him, or tell him what I did on it last night.

@ArfMeasures

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

@OctopusCavemann

Kid: I had a nightmare. There were these flowers but then they turned into clowns and they swung around this elephant and then demon faces came out and the whole time there was this awful music playing.

Cirque Du Soleil Producer: *taking notes* go on.

@notfunnyelle

My best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 35 we’ll hunt each other for sport

@SamuelHLowe

Fencing proves that with enough rules even a sword fight can be boring as hell.

@pixelatedboat

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug