@IamEveryDayPpl

Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”

Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”

Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”

Me: *fakes a seizure*

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@thatRamosgirl

Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.

@parsfarce

[ordering cous cous] just the one cous for me thanks

@thenatewolf

The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar.

“I got that when I fell off the toilet,” I whisper.

@truegritrumble

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

@ddsmidt

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

@iGreenMonk

If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I’d go to the hospital because that sounds serious.

@TitansHomer

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*