Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
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Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.