@pondermymaker

Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?

Me: Great question Dave.

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@sixfootcandy

Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*

@LuvPug

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

@aparnapkin

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

@tsm560

Friend of mine is convinced this whole virus thing is a hoax. It’s hard to doubt him because he also knows exactly where they’re hiding the aliens in Area 51

@TheTweetOfGod

Next time, instead of complaining about how bad you have it, think about other people, and how to make things bad for them.

@Marlebean

Me: Sometimes you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, enfarcorate, and move on. You know what I’m saying?

Friend: …

@ThaJawn

Her: Oh no, I’ve lost my jacket..

Me: *appears from the shadows* (whispers) you left it at the restaurant *slinks back into the shadows*

@writerPT

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

@chemicollins

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”