Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
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[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth