Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
You Might Also Like
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Friend of mine is convinced this whole virus thing is a hoax. It’s hard to doubt him because he also knows exactly where they’re hiding the aliens in Area 51
Next time, instead of complaining about how bad you have it, think about other people, and how to make things bad for them.
Me: Sometimes you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, enfarcorate, and move on. You know what I’m saying?
Her: Oh no, I’ve lost my jacket..
Me: *appears from the shadows* (whispers) you left it at the restaurant *slinks back into the shadows*
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”