Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!

Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!

Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

I think they could have phrased this better

You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago

Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!

Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.

Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

who’s gonna tell her?