Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”

Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

me: turtles stole my pizza today

therapist: interesting

me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas

therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?

Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

She: I like Cats
He:

a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

🤣🤣🤣