Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
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My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Just me and my debit card against the world