Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
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[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
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GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
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was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
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