Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
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Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
All right then, keep your secrets
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.