Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
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Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
