Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
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Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
WHY would you be happy about this?
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Found the job I’m suited for
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.