Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

But I really needed water water water

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?