BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
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Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
it must be school picture day
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
forgive me baja for i have blast
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
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First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”