Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

“SOMEONE IS VAPING”

911: Stay calm, were tracing it

“HURRY”

911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

“OMG”

911: GET OUT GET OUT

I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.