Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
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I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Meat Cute
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
The 6 types of sex
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.