Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

🤣

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

Twitter is an abusement park.

ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.