Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

Very suspicious that this keeps happening

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.

me: lmao i saw it on twitter

them: what’s your twitter

me: i don’t have twitter

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.

Thanks to a fan for this one.

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old