Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Some say I have a drinking problem”

*pours glass of water on lap*

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.

Anyway he didn’t call.

Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.

No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.

They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

Godspeed, John Glenn

New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food

That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.

“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.