Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend

rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!

Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.