Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.

No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months

me: i thought i got three wishes right now

genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.