Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

I’m giving up for Lent.

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.