Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old: The dog.

girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

who will stop them

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

the greatest twitter interaction

IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

do horses think humans are hats

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.