Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
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ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
You are not alone 💚
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Why soy sad?
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?