BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
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Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night