Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”