Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

the dark web is just a goth google.

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good

The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.

Me: we can all get along and live in unity

Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night