Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.

Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free

Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

“Can I take your order?”

Wait, take it where?

“No, not-”

I haven’t even given you my order yet

“I mean-”

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree

It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

Hmmmmmmm….

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

Is this you?

#Caturday

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

[FBI raid]

Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

Not today.. 😂