Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
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A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.