Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
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Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own