Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

[first day as a lawyer]

CLIENT: you’re fired

ME: was it my opening rap or the –

CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

“Great, now I have to pee.”

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.

The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.