Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
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If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs