Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
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the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
