Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
You Might Also Like
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Need this in my life lol
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!