Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
You Might Also Like
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
My dream car is a taco truck.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.