Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

“You’re acting weird.”

First of all, I’m not acting

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

“We will wed,” I threatened

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

Friend: *checking bag* one bag

Airline: why is it so heavy

Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes

Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?