Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
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Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher