Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.

energy cannot be created nor destroyed

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

Fashion designers:
What do you want?

Women: uniform sizing across brands.

Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore

My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

A lot of folks out there missing the point…

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die

3: Please move

Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English

3: Woof Woof