Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.

My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.

Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away