Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
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Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
so i’m at the stock market right
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
LOOOOOOL
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
Me sliding into hell like
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.