Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.

Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

Damn … History Channel 😀

#archaeohistories

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics