Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
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Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich