Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds