Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.

Me [on fire]: HOW

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.