boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
You Might Also Like
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
i will avenge u mr van gogh
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones