5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
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Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I eat children for a living
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
My family crest just says, “Yo, can I crash on your couch for a while?”
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Games are for those who like to restrict themselves arbitrarily to certain actions for a specified period of time in the hopes of “winning.”
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party