boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
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Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean