@EndhooS

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

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@TheJoelWillis

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

@theevilwriter

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

@gumdropheaven

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

@ThisLocalHater

My family crest just says, “Yo, can I crash on your couch for a while?”

@dave_cactus

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

@bourgeoisalien

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

@JermHimselfish

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

@SCbchbum

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

@professorkiosk

Games are for those who like to restrict themselves arbitrarily to certain actions for a specified period of time in the hopes of “winning.”

@offbeatoliv

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party