Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

Otters see a butterfly.

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

[after sex]

Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?

Her: yeah, I love crabs

Me: then I have some GREAT news!

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.