Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.