Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click