Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us

Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”

Me: Did you watch it?

Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

🗽

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped