Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”

Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one

clerk: do you have a baby

me: would you accept cash instead

Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.