Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

“Ok, let’s go now” 😂

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.

The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.

Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

i did the math

Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.

I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly