Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of