Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”

Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52

Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.