Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

Money is the root of all wealth

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.

[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.