Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!

ㅤ

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!