Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.

She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

Me: don’t do it

Brain: GONNA DO IT

Me: I’m driving

Brain: HERE IT COMES

Me: there’s oncoming traffic

Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW

Me: you’re going to kill us both

Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST

Me: *pre sneeze face*

Brain: THIS AMUSES ME

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse