Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
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When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
“what’s it like having a sister?”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠