Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
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I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.