Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

Still a very good boi….

be safe out there!

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]

Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.

And Monopoly was born.

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”