Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
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FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do