Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.

The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

me: if you love someone set them free

boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners

me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me: