Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits