BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
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The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Is your wife single?
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
going to bed
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
