Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
You Might Also Like
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
🤣😈🤣
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
dude it’s called proctologist
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.