Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

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For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.


Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?


My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.


My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.


Oscar Pistorius has the worst alibi ever. Who the hell would break into your house to rob your bathroom?


I put on my pants just like the rest of you, once or twice a month because of an appointment.


There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots