Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
You Might Also Like
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Whisper out to librarians!
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.