BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
You Might Also Like
incredible
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
The “baby” on the left….
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit