Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news

me: what’s the ambiguous news?

doctor: one of us is dying

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.

Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”