BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
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America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur